This week, the theme that stood out the most in team building are boundaries. I hear similar concern from colleagues: “I went through burn out last year and I don’t want to do it again. 

“You know, it’s just hard for me to say no, I usually volunteer my time and I think it’s a great thing". 

But where are the boundaries? Where does work end and we begin? In relationships, how do we establish healthy boundaries? With children, how are we modelling and teaching that? It's challenging. 

It always is but I find that the nice people, those soft-spoken angels, the ‘yes’ group are usually taken advantage of when it comes to boundaries and therefore, they suffer in silence and eventually burn out. 

They are the team that put too much on their plate, the hero that people call when they need an emergency babysitter. They are the safety net that is asked for money when budget is blown. They are givers and so the takers take advantage of that. They are the friend that ends up with the huge lunch bill at the end. The one that also has to drop everyone off at their offices because everyone else depends on them. See the pattern?

Boundaries are important. Learning to say no is important. Your personal space and mental health are important. Boundaries can be physical or emotional, they can be relaxed or rigid with healthy boundaries falling in between. 

Personal boundaries are physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being: manipulated, used, violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, what we think and feel from the thoughts and feelings for others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as unique individuals, while we acknowledge the same in others. (Selva, 2018)

I understand this is hard for us as a collective because we are familial and identify

Boundaries are limits that we can set for other people to let them know that this is how far I am willing to go. This is what I will and won’t do for you. This is what I will not tolerate from you. 

For instance, a friend or relative who wants you to look after her kids more than you would like to. You don’t mind doing it occasionally but not every week. You could set a boundary by saying: “You know Anna, I really enjoy babysitting your kids but due to my full schedule I can only do so once a month.”

This is letting Anna know what you will and won’t do for her, how far you are willing to go.

Women are the vulnerable group but men also are in this boat. Not so with babysitting duties but in social and work settings. Peer pressure does not discriminate between ages or class. Men are prone to feel pressure to hang with the guys. This pressure blurs the lines of responsibilities versus the need to feel accepted, to belong.

How we can establish healthy boundaries at home, workplace and relationships. 

Learning to set healthy boundaries is necessary for:

• Maintaining a positive self-concept or self-image.

• Communicating to others that we have self-respect and self-worth.

• Communicating that we will not allow others to define us.

It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them directly and honestly with others. We must recognise that each of us is a unique individual with distinct emotions, needs and preferences. This is equally true for our spouses, children and friends.

To set boundaries means to preserve your integrity, take responsibility for who you are and take control of your life.

How to establish healthy boundaries:

1. Know you have a right to personal boundaries

2. Recognise that other people’s needs and feelings are not more important than your own

3. Learn to say no

4. Identify actions and behaviours that you find unacceptable

5. Trust and believe in yourself

When you set boundaries, you may feel mean or bad. Do it anyway. People and children will feel more comfortable around you if you have strong boundaries. Do not justify, rationalise or even apologise for setting boundaries. 

When you know you must set boundaries for others, do it logically, clearly and preferably without anger. It will be hard the first time but like good habits, they become easier and second nature over time. 

As we enjoy another peaceful Sunday Samoa, remember you are important, boundaries are important. Learn the art of saying no. Just no. No need for explanations or reasons after that full stop. Have an awesome week ahead!