Have you ever done or said something that you just can’t come back from? A broken promise? Words spoken in anger? The answer is, yes. We are human and we are not infallible. We are wretched being prone to doubts, fear and mistakes. This week was a test of many things and for me, it was simply that, words. As parents, driving to an extra circular activity is not something we look forward to at the end of a long, stressful day at work. Swimming, tennis, judo, piano, tutorials, you name it we have them here, to fill our days and setting up our kids for the future. Mostly to give them something to do, other than zooming out in front of the tv and tech. Honestly, is it really for them or for us?

I took my four-year-old to her swimming class on Thursday. She was excited in the beginning and then she swallowed some pool water. That led to tears and fear of continuing the class. So, she sat there with her dad consoling her. She was afraid to drown and didn’t want to float on a mat with her peers. I kept my cool and just observed. My husband has a completely different parenting approach to me. He’s more on the soft parenting side, one that I am not accustomed to. If that was me, even at four, I’d be getting a lecture and a good slap on the cheek for not complying. Then, again, those were different times. We are supposed to know and do better, right?

Wrong. We tend to follow our own parents and automatically repeat what they did. Even with the best of intentions, telling ourselves that we would never replicate that kind of parenting. It’s normal to switch to what we are comfortable with. Isn’t that what patterns are about? After class, I asked her why she was crying. She told me that she couldn’t do it and was fearful. My instant response was “ What? Suck it up girl, I am not raising a raisin and don’t waste my time and money!’. I had to catch myself, hello! I am dealing with a four-year-old with big emotions, not my teenage self. I am dealing with a small child whose world is changing every day and soaks up everything around her. So, I calmed myself. I told her it was all right to be scared and that she is brave. Brave, means being scared of something but still doing it anyway because swimming is a life skill everyone needs to have. I never learnt how to swim when I was a kid and of course, I put that on her to be better than I am.

I had to learn at flight school because I thought, if my plane crashed on the coast or near water, I would not die due to the crash but definitely drowned in my plane. That fear stayed with me until I eventually learnt to float and swim somewhat. Today, I am not a confident swimmer but I’d still manage to float in emergencies. I encouraged my girl to do a bit better next time, that she can do this and that she is learning so much more. She ate her snack and said “ok Mum, I will do better next week’.

That’s all we should expect of our children, to do better next time, and to face their fears even though those fears can stop them in their tracks. Encouragement is better than lecturing and harsh words because once we begin, we don’t stop at just tears and that can do so much more damage to our genius’s confidence and self-esteem. We should be our child’s safety net that will catch them when they fall. We should be the arms that hold them when life is hard after they’ve tried their best. We should be the calm in their storm and not the tsunami that sweeps in and destroyed everything in its path including their future. While we enjoy another peaceful Sunday in Samoa, let us be the reason for our children to hope and dream of an amazing future. Not the reason they want to end themselves in years to come. We have enough broken and wounded adults around, let’s start loving our children a bit more, starting with our words and actions.