“Enid, when are you having the next baby? Aaria really needs a sibling, a brother, a sister, maybe twins? She is lonely and another baby would really be good for you’..

Samoan people, especially women will come up to you in random places and say this, even someone you haven’t seen in ten years! Why do we do this? Why do we encourage women who’ve just had a child (by that I mean, three years ago) to have more children when life is busy enough, expensive enough with all the pressures and expectations? Aren’t we all for women development these days, the empowerment workshops and the conferences with great funding and pages of objectives to meet?

I don’t hear anyone telling a man to have another child or spend more time at home to help his wife do the chores or put the kids to bed? So much imbalance when it comes to unsolicited advice by strangers at the store and even online. Have we become that silly and forthright to just tell people to have more kids without asking first for their consent?

You say that it’s normal, that they’re just concerned. No, it’s the culture and the way people talk here. I’m not afraid to talk about these issues or challenge the ‘norm’ if it means helping others and encouraging them to move ahead. Having boundaries and caring for your mental health should be a priority for all.

For instance, I have women crying in Facebook messages because they are in the same boat. That they have been pressured by either husbands, their mothers or mother-in-law to have a second child before the first baby can even walk. I am no therapist but I completely understand. These women are young and juggling marriage, life, careers, newborns and every other thing you can think of that is done in Samoa.

On top of that, they are trying to save for the future, keep afloat and pay off debt that was incurred from the day they started their first jobs. Loans that were for parents, the family house, faalavelave and her own wedding. I’d be remiss to say that men share the same burdens because they don’t. Men do whatever they like and do not answer to anyone. 

While we, the women are expected to stay home, clean, cook, care for the children 24/7, work and look like a trophy wife. So where does the empowerment and support come in?

If we are being honest, a lot of that is just lip service. Publicly, we clap when we hear such things and yet, absent, forgotten once we are in our homes. Once the camera stops rolling and the doors are closed. No wonder, domestic violence and abuse is normal. When men and the norms are challenged? When women start speaking out and men say shut up? When women challenge these issues inside the Samoan culture, we are called ‘fiapoto’, ‘arrogant’, ‘gutuoso’ and are told to be quiet, that it’s too much and that we do not know anything.

So, we send our daughters to school and raise them as independent women but only to an extent? For them to get married and then made to feel small, walk on eggshells, please the men, raise the children and stay in their lanes? Because the bible says one must fully submit to their husband? 

Yet the clause about husbands loving their wives is looked over? Love, meaning caring, being faithful and considerate? How about we suggest vasectomies for all men as the safest and best option for birth control? Well, that is reversible, isn’t it? Oh, the horror you say. Think about it. If we are struggling to pay the bills with several babies to feed, why have more children?

At the end of the day, it is the women who stay home and care for them. There are some men, who are the exception to that norm but it’s mostly us, the women. We are left holding the bag, holding the children, saving the children and sacrificing ourselves. How many men are actually killed in domestic violence cases in Samoa? How many are standing in court as an abused man or battered, sexually abused adult? Who does most of the killing here and the raping?

Ask yourself these questions, do your research, educate yourself and then come back to me and tell me to have another child. While we enjoy another peaceful Sunday Samoa, I encourage all men to examine themselves and women. We can all be the solution and agree to help each other regardless of we were raised or how important you think your (career) job is. Your career won’t cry or remember you when you die.